Hi I'm Back. Been thinking about myself again self obsessed or what? Still that's what most of my art has been about so it's not surprising really. Anyway up what I've been thinking is "how average I am". well not just am but have been and probably always will be. I was told at school that there would be one thing I would be good at I just had to find it. I haven't found it. What I have found is that everything I've ever done I've been average at. Average child, average schoolboy, average in work, average height average inteligence. I'm guessing but I bet I was born at the average time of day and that my death will be entirely average.Now don't get me wrong I don't mind being average at most things it's just that I would like to be above average at one thing.If you look at all the averages in this world and let's be honest that's most of us, you would find me right in the middle the average of averages.I'm   a grey little man trying to put some colour into his life with a few daubs on canvas, it's an attempt to escape the averageness of me but it's all smoke and mirrors.Maybe I should just embrace my averageness and stop pretending to be anything else. I've finished now, but I bet this blog is of average length and that I update it the average amount of times. I think I'm typing at the average words per minuet. Ok i'm boring myself now so I'll go. See ya

Hello,  Ok what's been going on since my last post. Well first of all I've been doing drawings for people.I was thinking about that this morning, mainly because I've got two to complete. What puzzles me is this, I'm copying photographs for people. They take the photo I copy it in pencil.......why? What's the point. Why do they value the drawing above the photograph? Why don't they just mount and frame the photo? I don't mean this in an offensive way but people are strange. I try and do something original, something from within me and it's mocked and ridiculed, admittedly mostly in a gentle way but still.....I copy a photo or two and apparently I have a talent. If I was to copy out word for word say, a Shakespeare play, would that be considered a talent, I don't think so.

Well I've no longer got a studio, I just couldn't agree to the councils conditions.... how could I commit to be there 20 hours a week, my life just isn't that organised. Oh well something will turn up and until it does I shall let my circumstances dictate the kind of art I produce which at the moment seems to be mainly drawings. I did get a drawing tablet for Christmas which plugs into my computer I shall see what I can do with that. See ya

Looks like I've lost the studio so have no space to paint in.What to do now?

The title of this blog says it all. I mentioned in an earlier blog that I loved the feel of paint, well I painted a portrait of my father yesterday with my hands no brushes used.I liked the finished picture, it has a feeling about it.I can't describe it, Cherry thinks it's scarry, thats maybe to do with the blacks,whites and grays that I've limited myself to but for me its the texture of the paint the thickness of it. It's almost sculptural.More importantly I loved painting it, no angst, no worrying about what people will think just the feel of paint and canvas. From now on I will abandon brushes.The only thing to come between me and the canvas will be my body. 

I was in the studio today. I was in quite a cheerful mood having decided that I would just make a mark on a blank canvas and let that mark inform where the next mark should go and so on. I was determined not to have any ideas as to what the finished image would be. I failed. It's almost impossible to do. There are too many shapes and colours that remind us of things in the real world so that as the marks I made reminded me of other things, I found myself drawn ( no pun intended ) to compositions that reflected those things. In frustration I sat down and picked up some old sketch books. Revelation, I have had loads of ideas, I'd just forgotten them. I have brought the sketch books home and shall start refining some of those ideas.I shall see where they lead me. 

I believe the secret to a happy life is to be creative... so how come it's driving me crazy?I seem to try so hard and yet achieve nothing. This is not me feeling sorry for myself ( believe me I know what self pity is ) I'm just hoping that by writing I'll be able to understand where my problems lie. What am I saying, I know where my problems lie.. I always worry about what people will think or say about my work. It's always in my mind. Even that's untrue, It's not what they think about my work but what they think about me that dictates how I'm creative. How shallow am I? Does it matter what other people think about me? Is there a part of me that I'm ashamed of and that I'm afraid to show? Maybe I'm worried that if anyone sees the real me they would hate me.Does it matter if people hate me as long as my wife and familly love me?The answers to all those questions in order are, very, no, possibly, no.How does any of this help me?I wish I knew.I think being creative is all about taking risks maybe I need to risk people seeing the real me. There's one small problem with that.... I'm not sure who the real me is.  

Well Summer is over and wasn't it fun.On to Winter.Thats the small talk over with onto art. I have no ideas.Its not just 'what should I paint? but 'why am I painting it that's causing me headaches.I don't know why I paint.I don't find it relaxing,I'm not that good at it and if I'm using it as a means of communication then I'm failing because I have nothing of any worth to say.On the other hand I like the feel of paint on my hands, the texture of canvas and the joy of the gesture.When I stop using brushes and connect with the paint and canvas with my hands and fingers it no longer matters that I have no skill or that the painting is of nothing and that there is no reason behind what I'm doing it just matters that I am physically destroying and creating.There is a joy in that for me.One that makes me dance and sing.It's when I stop that I start to judge, and that judgement is always led by reason. Why have I?what is it? What does it mean? I hate judgement,other peoples but mostly mine.I say to myself 'don't judge it' but I already have, it's instinctive I think.When I'm in the moment,when I'm lost to the paint then I make judgements all the time,split second ones on which paint to use what mark to make but none of these judgements are led by reason,reason is a mask it hides who we really are.The split second choices made when I'm painting slip pass reason, it has no time to evaluate them to see if there 'reasonable'.

When I paint maybe the joy I feel is the joy of freedom,an escape from the prison of reason.No wonder I dance and sing.

Maybe everything above is just a load of bollocks

Still working, still painting, still breathing,still eating.........guess I'm still alive!

First of all I'm sorry for my childish previous blog.Talk about cuting of my nose to spite my face,one visit to the National Portrait Gallery re-invigorated me,I don't care what people think about my paintings,I'm going to shut my studio door and paint for myself.Since writing that last blog I've been told on a couple of occasions that I should carry on painting because 'practice makes perfect'.Well, with all due respect I don't want to be perfect.Perfect is for machines or God.I'm just me.

Well not a great response to my exhibition.I think perhaps I'm not good enough yet to show my work so I'm not going to again for a long time. I may not even paint again.

I have my first art show on the 28th of March.I'm not ready.Putting my work on the internet is easy,the only people likely to view it are my familly but showing my work in real life where real people may see it thats a different matter.I've said this before and no dought I'll say it again, 'I shouldn't care what people think',and I don't when I'm in the studio,its my space, kind of like a walk in diary where I can say and do what I like completly sure that it's private and then you have to open it up for whoever to look at and pass judgement.I don't want that but I have to if I want to keep my studio, its part of the deal.Everyone seems to think that if you paint pictures then you must want to show them.Well thats rubbish,for me anyway.I'll use the analogy of the diary again when you write in a diary it is to record your feelings and thoughts about your life in complete honesty if you thought people would read it you would no longer be completly honest.Your behavior changes when you know your being watched.

    So I dont want to do this show its been hanging over me for months and the work I show will not be honest as most, although not all will have been influenced by my knowledge that I would have to it.

Onto other stuff, there was an earthquake last night,I slept through it.See ya

Been busy training for London marathon,working and painting so not much time for this blog.Still,I'm here now so what have I got to say?Bugger all it seems.I'm stressed out because I have my first art show at the end of March.I'm so worried about what people will think of my work that I can't seem to paint.Everything I do is stilted,forced.I keep saying that I only paint for myself but when it comes down to it thats untrue otherwise I wouldn't be so worried about what people think.Oh bollocks its only painting I'll go to the studio tomorrow and just make marks and have fun.See ya 

Abstract art.Its not real painting is it.Its just Micky Mouse stuff. My two year old could do that.Its just crap.All opinions given to me by friends and family about abstraction.I know I'm not going to change their minds,the one thing I've learned since starting to paint is that peoples opinions are pretty entrenched when it comes to art.However I am going to make a start on trying to explain abstract art. Fact one-people spend on average 3 seconds looking at a painting.How long do you spend listening to music or reading a book.Whats the point of me pointing that out?Effort.Spend more time and effort when looking at a painting.Try and understand what the artist is saying or doing.Skill versus idea.The friends and family I mentioned earlier value skill more than ideas.Its the skill in making a painting look like a photograph that they value.   My response, take a photograph.Abstaction, for me, is all about the now,the mark I make is a representation of a gesture I made at that particular moment in time.It is driven,in my case,by emotion.So when you look at one of my abstract paintings your looking at an emotional record.I,ve said before that I believe the emotions are where the true self resides so viewing one of my paintings is   like looking at the real me.Its only   through the medium of paint that I ever allow myself to   be viewed   without any censorship (   I could be fooling myself but I don't think so)   It is the 'idea' that I value rather than the skill although I don't discount skill its just that without the idea there would be no painting,skillful or otherwise.So all I ask those that discount abstraction is think about the idea.I'm sure I'll return to this subject but for now,my apologies for this incoherent rant.See ya

My appologies,the web link I mentioned in my last entry is on my welcome page not this blog page.Out running this morning I discovered an interesting thing.When running its better to think about the now rather than the finish it somehow makes the running easier.This is what I'm trying to do when painting.Will try and expand on this when I have time,for now,see ya

Well, Christmas has come and gone as it always does. The New Year has started and I have yet to go into the Studio. That will change tomorow.There have been complications since last I wrote.I have been offered a place in the London Marathon on the 13th of April.It has been one of my ambitions to run a marathon before I'm fifty so I have taken up the offer and am running for Macmilon Cancer Support.What this means is that I have had to start some serious training.I will try and keep this blog updated with how that is going.Anyone who wishes to sponser me just leave your details in the guest book.I promise not to mention the sponsership thing to often from now untill the marathon.Anyway back to Art.I think I've managed to put a link at the bottom of this blog to an example of  my writing on art for those of you who are interested.The next few months in the studio will be taken up with commisioned work so my own interests will have to take a back seat.At some point this year I hope to set up a camera in the studio to film myself painting.It seems that when I use emotions as the driving force for my work the act of painting becomes almost performative.I thought it might be interesting to view that.Of coarse the act of watching may change how I behave but with any luck I will become so involved with what I'm doing that the external world will fade.Thats for the future.For now thats it,see ya 

This is my first web site, I will be using these pages as a way of thinking out loud.I understand that most of this thinking will be disjointed, pretentious stupid,ignorant,daft and possibly insulting.I don't mean any of it to be like that but as I seem to lack any control with what I think in my head it seems entirely reasonable to assume that if I'm to think out loud on this site then the same will apply ( unless I cheat and censor what I write,which I will try not to do).All my art has a connection to the 'self'.The concept of the 'self' as well as a search for myself.As an example of the concept of the self the empirisists Locke, Berkeley and in particular Hume influence me in the sence that there is a denial of a self outside our perceptions.This conclusion is reached through reason and is difficult to argue with however I seem to have an emotional self and this also influences me.At a rough guess I have lived in approxamatly 40 addresses and been known by innumarable titles names and nick names I have adjusted to each different enviroment and job presenting the particular self that I deemed appropriate at the time.This seemed the reasonable thing to do.Through all this however my emotional self seems to have stayed constant.I still cry at the things I have always cryed at,I laugh at the same things and so on and so on.It seems to me that for there to be a self it must be constant, the only thing I can find within myself that is constant are my emotions.